Thursday Thoughts: My Life as a Mom in Alabama

It's been a couple of days since I've written and mostly it is because I have been actively living out a life of freedom while I can.  I've got two pieces I am working on, along with an informational presentation on Deviance.  However, this week has been devastating for me because I am a resident of "Alabama the Beautiful," which is what you will see on our state signs as you cross the border into this deep red state.

I arrived in Alabama when I was still in my mother's womb.  I was born in the same hospital system all three of my children were born in.  I live in a county that is one of the fastest growing areas of the nation, which was largely unaffected by the recession when Dubya was in office.  We lost chain stores, but still managed because the area is diverse with technology, military, NASA, car manufacturing (a Toyota plant is 10 minutes from me) and medical centers.  In fact, my little rural corner of the county is growing so fast, the country folk do not like it at all.  They curse having new options, but fill the new Walmart and restaurants like they're small Disney Worlds.  Walmart is a bustling hotspot in Hazel Green, Alabama on a Friday night!

As most have read by now, Alabama has signed off on the most restrictive abortion ban thus far in the U.S., in a solid effort to challenge Roe v. Wade.  It is intended to go straight to the Supreme Court.  Basically, lawmakers and the first female governor of Alabama, Kay Ivey, have told women that you better load up on the morning after pill, just in case.

I know women who've had abortions in this state, and I know men who have had partners who've had abortions.  In fact, in my last semester of school in my Research Methodology class, someone admitted to me that she had an abortion because she has multiple sclerosis and could not have carried the baby to term.  Other women that I know of, very unfortunately, used it as a form of birth control.  I'm not an advocate for abortion, I am an advocate for having the right to choose.  It isn't something I would do unless it was under extreme conditions.  I have also known many couples that would have given anything for the chance at a private adoption, only to have one after another fall through because the mother changed her mind.  I admire the women who take on the burden of a pregnancy just to hand a child off to someone else, but they know that child will be loved and cared for.

My first pregnancy (my son), was horrible, and I said I would never do it again.  I had morning sickness almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant until a few weeks before giving birth.  Yet, when I remember that moment when I looked into my son's eyes, and he looked back at me, it was magical.  Our souls were connected in a way I never thought was possible.  I immediately knew I had to have more children.

My twin pregnancy was no picnic, but I had become the queen of managing morning sickness and manages to get those girls to over 35 weeks into my pregnancy, and although they were a month early, they were perfectly healthy and came home three days after they were cut from my womb.

You will never hear me claim that I am the best mother in the world.  I've been pretty open about how hard it is for me to parent my children for varying reasons.  I question my temperament, my parenting, and live with guilt every day.  However, I do love them to the core of my soul and would do anything to protect them.

Now that the abortion ban has been passed, and there are no guarantees in life, I fear for my daughters and for my son.  I have twin girls who are almost 11, one of whom tell tells me she believes she is gay.  I do worry about how that will ultimately affect her life experiences in school - as kids are so mean - but I see openly gay teens at the high school when I get my son, so that gives me hope (those kids look very happy and well adjusted).  Of course, even in the 90s, you didn't openly admit you were gay in high school.  That was far too taboo.

Last evening when I told my girls what the law was about, one of them said, quite frankly, "what, do I not own my own body now!"  Yes, even a ten (well, almost 11) year old understands the gravity of what this means.  If they were raped, we would have to go to a hospital for a rape test kid to be administrated, then would have to obtain a morning after pill prescription, which is apparently still okay to take.

My son is also vulnerable.  I've raised my son to be respectful towards women.  Just recently, he risked losing two friends (and ultimately they told him to go eff himself) because he warned his female friend not to associate with them.  Their intentions were to simply have sex with her and nothing else.  The girl's mother called my son and thanked him for warning her daughter.  I am very proud of my son for doing what he did because it was the right thing.  He was thinking with his heart, and that isn't commonly found among hormonal teenagers.  However, what if my son gets into a relationship with a girl, and they have both done what they can to have safe sex with additional birth control, and something happens?  Alabama isn't just limiting the rights of women, but they are also going to force men to be fathers when, in some cases, they are not ready mentally, emotionally, or financially.   

Almost every case of child abuse and neglect I've read about in this state has direct correlations with parents being poor.  They are often times younger, do not have good educational backgrounds, and are living at or under the poverty line.  They are frustrated, and do not have the ability, or have been taught how to handle a child with colic, or are poor and live among roaches, with little to no clothing, or a safe place to fall asleep at night.   In the city, Huntsville, these stories are not as widely reported or known.  In the county, everyone knows everyone else, and people talk.  So I know about these kids and I know where they live, how they look, and who they are living with.  I know of one boy whose parents are still married, and another boy whose parents are two moms, then one girl who has parents still married.  Outside of that, I'm not sure I know anyone who is living with their mom and dad, or in a traditional family setting.  One girl, whom I call Voldemort because of the mind-games she pushed on my child, causing a lot of mental and emotional harm.  She lives with her grandparents because her mother can't have parental rights.  Her grandparents mean well, and are good people, but they are blind and clueless.  They really just brush off the deviant behavior and believe everything will work out okay.  No, it won't.  This girl was trying to convince my child to commit suicide.  That's really, really messed up.  Another girl lives with her aunt and uncle, gets to visit with her siblings every so often, and is blind in one eye because he brother shot her with a BB gun and her parents were too high to care about taking her to the doctor to have her eye treated.  She is also quick to fall into the bed of any boy that would take her.  Then, there are the kids that go to school without a jacket in the dead of winter, but their parent's car is shiny and new.  The number of severely obese children is alarming, as are the ones you can tell have lacked decent nutrition all of their life.  There's also the teen who gets in trouble at school for showing up late so often, who finally breaks down and says "if you knew what was going on in my home, and how much effort it takes just to get to school, you would stop harassing me about being late."

These outliers in rural America are not secluded to places like Hazel Green.  They exist in the city but are more often overlooked because they are fewer and farther between within the school population, or they go unseen, remaining under the radar.  These are the kids that pop out at me, because after my years of studying sociology, my eye is trained to look for individuals that are being failed by the system.  There are some social safety nets for them.  The kids who get free lunches also have churches and local businesses donating to give them food to take home for the weekend so they will not go hungry.  Schools whose lost-and-found pieces are never picked up turn them into clothing supplies for next year's students.  Unfortunately, some parents just do not care if their child is wearing the same clothing all week, and they haven't bathed in days.

This antithesis of a Normal Rockwell painting will be even more apparent if women are forced to be incubators for unwanted children.  Other women will have dumpster babies (a horrible phrase that still happens in the 21st century).  Others will go to back alleys or use coat hangers.  Those are not myths.  History will repeat itself because people have not learned the lesson history was meant to teach us.

In Alabama, where every state surrounding us has a lottery, and there are at least five churches in every damn square mile of the state (prove me wrong on that one),  and where educational funding is secondary to trying to entice big business into the area with corporate welfare, but has no Medicaid expansion, how can we expect anything less than an outright abortion ban, that is illegal under our current national law? 

In Alabama, if you are new to the area, the first thing they ask you is "what church do you go to," and then "what football team do you go for?"  Ask anyone who has moved to Alabama, and they will confirm this with 100% accuracy.  Before my son was born, we moved to a rental house in a nice part of Huntsville and I lied to my neighbors.  I told them we went to some church I made up, and well, Roll Tide Roll.

I am not shocked by the new abortion ban in Alabama.  I am, however, scared about where this country is headed.  The harder women push for equal rights (remember the Equal Rights Amendment was never ratified), the harder red states push back to limit a woman's rights.  In Alabama, they will force you, with all their might, to keep an unwanted pregnancy, because they claim to be pro-life.  However, we have a horrendously high maternal death rate, especially among the poor and minority women of the state.  Those pro-life lawmakers do not care about how a woman cares for herself during pregnancy (unless you're a junkie, because you will be arrested if that baby comes out having withdrawals), and will not go out of their way to assist anyone after they give birth.  Is that pro-life, or is that anti-choice?



* Apparently some edits I made prior to publishing did not stick.  That's what I get for using my phone instead of my computer.  Sorry for any confusion, as some edits made for wonky paragraphs and sentences.