My personal story is complex. I did not grow up in a traditional home. My mother was still pregnant with me when she and my biological father separated. However, my husband and I have a mostly-traditional home. He has a daughter that is now 27 that decided to cut ties from us after the twins were born in 2008. We miss her, but I have to focus on the things I have an impact on, and there is nothing I can do now to change what has become. I am certain of this because I have tried, and failed.
Mother's day is hard for me because my mother passed in 2014. I also really dislike having to celebrate obligatory holidays that put me at the center of attention. Actually, I dislike obligatory holidays, period. Part of it is because of the materialistic consumerism that evades my space before every holiday. I suppose at some point I just realized that there is so much going on in life, the pressure to meet some unknown expectation has just become too much for me. The expectation is unknown because of the society we live in. Each year, you are pressured to spend more, give more, and that is okay, but I do not like materialism. I do not believe men need to go out and buy jewelry just because a jewelry store keeps saying you need to. That's just an example, I have plenty more, but I will stop before I go too far.
At some point in time, my children will look at Mother's day and will want to celebrate it with me. My son brought it up to my husband last week, but he knew I probably didn't want to celebrate, so that gave him the excuse to let it go. I'd rather my children write me little love notes and leave them on my desk, as they have in the past. I can't count the number of sticky-notes I have with "I love you" signed by one of the three kids. Some are on my desk, others are in random spots around the house. In life, sometimes it truly is the little things that matter the most.
A friend once told me that if I were to try so hard to make every moment special and memorable, then what would make the really special moments indelible? I was feeling so guilty last summer when my children had no vacation, and I couldn't take them anywhere because I had a surgery that left me in a bed, with limited abilities, for almost the entire summer. In fact, I was finally healed enough to function just in time to shop for school supplies and clothing. They were so bored and I felt so incredibly guilty. It was the epitome of miserable.
It is those kinds of things in life that make it hard to face the reality of parenting. I've written before about how I can see why some mothers quit, take off, and leave their children. The aching pain of thoughts like "they'd be better off without me" can eat away at your very soul. Of course, not everyone is made to be a parent. I was an only child that ended up with three kids and sibling rivalry is something I do not handle very well. In fact, just last night I was talking to one of my girls and told her that she needed to just sit and enjoy her sister's company. She spat out the truth: that's not how sisters work. At least, not all the time. Having twins that are like night and day is hard. Parenting is hard. Trying to live up to expectations that were put out into the universe by who-knows-who is unachievable. Yet, I still try.
I'm not perfect, but I'm not horrible. I have days where I cry, yell, and laugh all within a few hours. It is perfectly normal as a mother. Being sad and happy all at once is a part of motherhood. No matter how twisted my feelings are inside about celebrating Mother's day, I wouldn't go back and change anything - except being a better daughter to my momma.
To those celebrating, enjoy it. Enjoy those smiles, hugs, and if you have babies that are crying, enjoy that too. Every moment passes and you can't get it back. Every miserable or memorable moment is worth the time to live in that very occassion.
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